BK Bacon Sundae

In the past few years, McDonald's has gotten rid of "Super Size," Wendy's has expanded its salad menu - even Taco Bell has created something called the "Fresco Menu."

Burger King is giving them all the finger and introducing the Bacon Sundae. I applaud BK for having the balls to introduce a dish like this during our current "obesity crisis" climate. I believe in the consumer's right to order terribly unhealthy garbage if they're so inclined - mostly because I'm often inclined.

Hell, I'll try it. Will you?

The Taco Bell Five Buck Box.

The five buck box,
It rocks, it rocks.
It rocks for a jock,
It rocks for a fox.
It rocks for a meal that’ll give you the trots.

You’ve seen the commercial. You’ve seen a red-velvet-bathrobe-wearing Charles Barkley enter a phone booth, and come out the other side in a bizarre Taco Bell-themed universe (not to mention no longer wearing a red velvet bathrobe). You’ve debated whether he’s talking or rapping as he’s greeted by “a guy with dreadlocks,” the Nets mascot, cheerleaders, paparazzi, a decrepit red carpet reporter, and Lamar Odom for some reason. You’re left puzzled. You don’t know what to think. This commercial is “Green Eggs and Ham” meets “The Round Mound of Rebound.” As you can tell, I’ve seen this commercial roughly 100,000 times; and I always watch it in its entirety. I just can’t look away. It’s absolutely baffling, beautifully absurd, and I’m still trying to figure out if Barkley wrote it himself. It’s just mesmerizing.

In fact, Taco Bell in general has always had a special place in my heart. It just makes me laugh for some reason. Next time you see me, mention Taco Bell, and see if I don’t start grinning like an idiot. It could be the restaurant’s silly name, or the fact that it just invents Mexican foods by throwing extra layers of cheese and tortillas on things. It could be the fact that people just seem to be intimidated by it. But the fact remains: no other fast food restaurant combines LDLs and comedy in such equal measure. That’s why I was particularly giddy for Food Plus Beer’s next mission: Barkley’s own 5-Buck Box.

I was already in full giggle mode as we pulled into the Taco Bell drive-thru. This is where we learned that there are actually 2 versions of the 5-Buck Box: The Cheesy Gordita Crunch version, and the Volcano Taco version. Despite the fact that we both love spicy food, we chose the former, because that’s the one Barkley rapped about (plus, we planned on using copious amounts of Hot Sauce packets anyway). The total came to 10.60, making the 5-Buck Box really the 5.30-Box, but now we’re talking semantics. We were handed our food – in a bag.

What!? A bag? Points marked off! Points marked way off!

I'm looking...but I don't see no box.

The five buck bag.
It’s sad, it’s sad.
It’s sad for a dad,
It’s sad for a lad.
It’s sad for a promotion that really doesn’t follow through on its namesake taco-delivery vessel.

It was a bummer, but not enough to throw me off my giddiness altogether. Not only was our food in a bag, but it wasn’t branded with NBA stuff as I’d also hoped. I wanted to see which players were roped into appearing on a 16-ounce Taco Bell soda cup. LeBron? Kobe? Ron Artest? Gilbert Arenas? Darko Milicic?

An inside view of the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

We brought the 5-Buck Bag to my house and dug in. What can you say? It’s Taco Bell – we all know what to expect. It’s cheesy, it’s meaty, it’s delicious. It’s fantastic soaked in hot sauce. The Cheesy Gordita Crunch is the clear standout item of the box, but everything was satisfying and actually fairly filling, even for a fat person such as myself. And I giggled the whole time I ate, which probably burns a few calories.

It was a successful Food Plus Beer mission, and I’d certainly do it again – but next time, they better have my (*#*(&@*#*@^ing box.

Food For Thought #2

Article: Hungry Jack's chipped over monster burger (The Sydney Morning Harold)


Hungry Jack's double Angry Angus Burger has been under attack in the last few days. According to the article:

Hungry Jack's double Angry Angus, packed with deep fried onion rings, two slices of cheese, two beef patties and several rashers of bacon, contains 26 grams of saturated fat and 5.6 grams of salt - 10 grams more saturated fat and 1.6 grams more salt than the daily intake recommended by the National Health and Medical Research Council.

Now that sounds like a meal! I'd have already bought one and been telling you how awesome it was (how could it not be?) but the closest Hungry Jack's is in Australia. The article then states that:

Eating the Angry Angus would cause a diner's blood pressure to rise immediately and eating it regularly would cause chronic high blood pressure, leading to heart attack, kidney failure and stroke, the chairman of the Sydney World Action on Salt and Health, Bruce Neal, said yesterday.

Health officials in Australia aren't very happy about this. In fact, many are demanding the burger carry a warning label. We all know the surgeons general warning on alcohol doesn't stop anyone. And alcohol has age restrictions, legal limits, and other regulations associated with it, why would this have any effect on a burger which has no restrictions whatsoever? What do you think?

Oh yea, a top health official also said:

''The burger has a great title because it makes me doubly angry. It is highly disappointing that a manufacturer in modern-day Australia would consider serving this to people. 'To think that you could have only one of these burgers every two days and nothing else is a ridiculous idea.''

Ridiculous indeed. Sign me up!

-Kyle

McDonald's and Miller High Life

When Food Plus Beer went on its first two culinary missions to Monster B’s and Black Bear, the trips were predetermined. Kyle and I had brainstormed earlier in the day and picked restaurants based on appeal, specials, and overall relevance to our cause. We were accompanied by friends of the blog, ate at dinnertime, and paid attention to our surroundings for fun anecdotes. This was nothing like that.

So, it’s about 9 PM, and Kyle and I are polishing off glass number 2 or 3 of his homebrewed Porter. Here’s a riddle for you: How do you get beer out of the fridge without opening it? Easy. Install a tap.

This is the greatest thing Kyle’s ever done, and I’m so excited about it that I’m threatening to abandon the rest of this post and list 100 or so reasons why every American should have a tap on their fridge. But I won’t.

Anyway, not eating dinner and throwing back homebrews alerted us to the fact that we were both hungry, and eating took precedence over watching The Office at that particular time. We discussed criteria for food.

1. Leftovers won’t cut it.
2. Can’t be expensive.
3. Faster is better.
4. Preferable if food is endorsed by creepy clown.

Do you see where this is going? That’s right. The Golden Arches.But we needed a beer that was appropriate for the mission. How’s your SAT score?

Filet Mignon is to Homebrewed Kegerator Beer as McDonald’s is to ___________.

If you said Miller High Life, give yourself a pat on the back. We grabbed 2 MLHs from my house and headed to the drive thru. 4 McDoubles, 1 McChicken, 2 small fries. $7.60. Amazing.

Note: I’ve always been suspicious that the McDouble is the Double Cheeseburger. We asked, and they said that the Double Cheeseburger has an extra slice of cheese. For 60 cents extra. What a curious pricing maneuver. Also, I cannot reiterate enough, never leave the drive-thru without looking in your bag first. Your order gets messed up approximately 300% of the time. Although, they got ours right this time – fate must have been on our side. I credit the lucky High Life cans. We’ll get back to this in a second.

So, we get back to Kyle’s house and we pound the food as you might expect. The smell of grease permeates the house. There is a tacit understanding that both of us are going to be fighting over the bathroom in the near future. I love McDonald’s.

And that brings us to the Miller High Life. What can you say, it’s cheap beer. You get what you pay for. But the reason I bought Miller High Life was the cans. They are hilarious; head to toe in camouflage. You know, except for the label and everything. This is definitely the beer to drink on a deer hunt. Or an Army mission. Or when you’re hiding in a pile of leaves waiting to scare children. Beer already makes me giggle – beer in a camouflage can gets me even sillier. Which is why Kyle and I decided to test out the can’s ability to blend into its surroundings.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t see it anywhere.

Like a chameleon.

-Ryan